Dasmarka Real Estate

BUYER: George Michael
LOCATION: Palm Beach, Australia
PRICE: around $6,000,000
SIZE: 3,500 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday Your Mama discussed the posh London residence recently purchased by two-time Oscar nominated actor Jude Law and ack-tress/model/fashion designer Siena Miller. The back in the saddle couple's new crib in the hoity-toity and star studded Highgate area happens to be a few doors down from a home owned by British pop star George Michael and his long-time American lover-mate Kenny Goss.

Miss Michael rose to the pinnacle of pop music fame and fortune in the 1980s as one half of the screamingly successful and–for those of us who came of age in the 1980s–iconic British duo Wham! In the late 1980s, Miss Michael launched a solo career that spawned a number of hit songs such as Freedom! 90, which included a video that helped merge the music and fashion industries by featuring Amazonic supermodels Linda Evangelista, Naomi Campbell, Cindy Crawford, Tatjana Patitz and the other worldly Christy Turlington. Miss Michaels last had a number one hit in the U.S. in 1991 (Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me with Elton John) in the U.K. in 1996 with Fastlove, a song Your Mama had never heard until this very day. Meh. We like Miss Michael and her feisty ways, but we don't particularly care for his brand of pop music.

Before meeting and coupling up with Miss Michael in 1996, Mister Goss–a native of Texas–was reportedly an executive at Adidas and, prior to that, a cheerleading coach, probably the gayest damn job Your Mama has ever heard of.

Unfortunately for him, Miss Michael is just as well known for his antics due to drink and drugs and his predilection for tea rooms as he is for his contributions to pop music. In the late 1990s naughty Miss Michael was picked up for lewd behavior as part of a sting operation in a Beverly Hills, CA public terlit, an event during which good looking and well formed undercover cops went into public terliting facilities, flashed and played with their man bits in order to get the attentions of men who like man bits, and then arrested any of the men like Miss Michael who expressed interest in joining in the po-po's reindeer games. Miss Michael handled the humiliating and very public slap in a commendably ballsy and completely unapologetic manner. Miss Michael, not one to learn his tea room lesson apparently, was picked up by the po-po twice more–in 2006 and 2008–for cruising a public terlit in a park near his home in London.

Along the way, he was arrested (and quickly released) for possession of drugs in 2006 and in July of 2009 he rammed his Range Rover into a Snappy Snaps shop in Hampstead Heath. He was charged and convicted of driving under the influence and spent 4 weeks in the pokey in September of 2010. He's now not legally allowed to drive a car for 5 years and he says he's cut his cannabis habit down from 25 spliffs a day to just 7 or 8. Twenty-five? Lowerd have mercy child, how does a person even smoke that much damn weed in a day and remain operational?

At least one previous reports indicates that Miss Michael took a shine to the sunny city of Sydney in the early months of 2010 when he made an extended two month stay. During that time he was reportedly a "fixture" on the gay gay gay Oxford Street bar and club circuit where he was (allegedly) seen kissing on a number of men who are not his American mate Kenny. Clearly these two have some sort of understanding in regards to outside dalliances. At least we hope they do. Otherwise Mister Goss just looks like a damn fool motivated by something other than, ahem, love.

Anyhoo, it seems the Miss Michael was so smitten that he wanted to set down some real estate roots along the Australian seaside. So a hunting for a house he went and reportedly settled on a stunner north of Sydney near Whale Beach. It's not clear to Your Mama how much Miss Michael paid for his new digs Down Under but it does appear from our entirely unscientific research that it was somewhere in the neighborhood of six million Aussie dollars, a number our currency conversion contraption shows amounts to about six million American dollars and close to four million British pounds.

Listing information for the property that we cajoled out of the interweb shows the clean-lined contemporary residence measures around 3,500 square feet and includes a total of 5 bedrooms, each with access to the exterior and each with en suite terliting and bathing facilities. Floor plan information shows there are two additional powder poopers, one just off the entry and the other conveniently situated on the lower level near the swimming pool.

Your Mama had one of them eerie deja vu thingys happen when we looked at the photos and floor plan for this house. Although we're a little befuddled and boozy brained, we're pretty sure we've seen this house before, perhaps in Architectural Digest or in one of the expensive and imported Australian architecture magazines we used to buy when we had a brief but intense love affair with contemporary Australian architecture in the early naughts.

The property lies about an hour north of the Sydney central business district near the tail end of a narrow peninsula along Whale Beach in the affluent and scenic seaside town of Palm Beach. This is, for anyone that might care, the same neck of the Australian seaside where that weird little hair obsessed Justin Bieber fellow was recently and unfortunately–heaven help us all–photographed frolicking on the shore without his shirt.

Dramatically perched on a rocky coastline with a sparkling water view of the Tasman Sea, the house has three levels of carefully calibrated living space that maximizes the amazing view and provides clear but interconnected separation between the public and private areas. The front door opens into a long hall that leads deep into the house to the the airy, 40-foot long open plan living/dining/kitchen area.

The multi-purpose room has a high pitched ceiling, a fireplace flanked by storage and media cabinets, and two walls of curtain glass that confuse the division between what is inside and what is outside. To one side of the living room glass panels sides back and connect the indoor space to a courtyard that sits between the two major masses that comprise the residence. On the opposite wall another series of floor to ceiling glass panels slide open and join the living room to a large waterside deck. The windows allow someone sitting in any part of the courtyard to look clear through the house to the water view beyond.

In the two-story section of the house that sits nearest the street, an intimate study with fireplace acts as a buffer between the more public rooms and (some of) the bedrooms. Adjacent to the study a large bedroom opens out to the courtyard and upstairs two bedrooms with built in wardrobes have access to a balcony that looks down into the courtyard and over the roof of the living/dining/kitchen pavilion to the sea view.

A flight of stairs in the entrance hall descends to the lower level of the house, directly underneath the living/dining/kitchen room. A rumpus room–otherwise known as a family room–has a wet bar and a bank of folding glass panels that peel back and open the room to the backyard. An "L" shaped hall provides access to a powder pooper, storage room, laundry facilities and two more bedrooms, both with built-in wardrobes and both with fold glass panels that also open into the backyard.

Decking surrounds the plunge-sized, trapezoidal-shaped infinity edged swimming pool and a wee patch of grass is just enough space for a couple of long bodied bitches like Your Mama's Linda and Beverly to tinkle and squat. The view–let's be honest hunnies, the view is breathtaking iffin you like seaside views–reaches completely over the Tasman Sea–often referred to as "The Ditch"–to the southern coastline of the Central Coast. There seems to be some controversy about whether this house looks out over the Pacific Ocean or the Tasman Sea. We opted to go with how the body of water is marked on Google Maps.

In addition to their house in Highgate and now this new hideaway in Australia, Mister Goss and Miss Michael own several other homes including a 16th-century house in Goring, Oxfordshire that's about an hour due west outside of London and just a hop skip and a jump over the Thames river from Spice Girl Geri Halliwell's house. A tour of the quaint crib Miss Michael gave to chat show queen Oprah Winfrey back in 2006 included the library where Miss Michael admits that the shelves are full of antique books he's never cracked open. Now, hunnies, that's just sad. We don't mind your thing for tea rooms Miss Thing, but gurl, seriously, read a damn book sometimes. That one does not read books is not something civilized people should admit on the Oprah damn Winfrey Show.

The real estate holdings of Miss Michael have long included properties in the United States. From 1989 to 1996 Georgie-boy owned a fab house in swish and to-die-for gorgeous Santa Barbara, CA . After selling that house Miss Michael bought a big house in Beverly Hills on the very same street where too big for his britches Tommy Crooz now lives. That house was sold off in 2003 for $2,850,000. In 2006 Miss Michael and Mister Goss couple traded in a large condo at the Vendôme building in Dallas, TX for a stately mansion in Highland Park, an uppity 'hood that Dallas-based real estate gossip Candy Evans told Your Mama is, "very classy, stodgy, Republican, safe and rich."

Property records show that the 5,538 square foot house was bought early 2006 for $3,325,000 and has 5 bedrooms and 5.5 poopers. Mister Goss, a former gallerist and major collector of contemporary art, has filled the couple's homestead in Dallas with the sort of works that many people often dismiss out of hand as something other than actual art. According to various articles available on the internets we learned that Mister Goss and Miss Michael's collection includes a lot of work by British artists who include the clever Tim Noble and Sue Webster, the always controversial and insanely successful Damien Hirst, op-art grande dame Bridget Riley, sculptress Rachel Whiteread, the often provocative Tracey Emin and the usually quite alarming Chapman brothers Jake and Dinos.

One wonders, of course, if this property purchase in Australia is merely some sort of real estate lark of a rich and famous person or if Mister Michael–and Mister Goss–actually intend to spend more time bumming around the beach in Australia. If it's the latter, we expect the house will be back on the market in six months time. If it's the former, Your Mama would like to offer Miss Michael and Mister Goss our house sitting services because there's little better we can imagine than whittling away a few weeks by a swimming pool in the southern hemisphere with little more than a chilled pitcher of gin & tonics, a tall stack of gossip glossies, the New York Times crossword puzzle app on my iPhone and perhaps something divine by Joan Didion to remind us of home. Can you hear Your Mama Miss Michael? Because we're being serious like a heart attack so give us a ringy-dingy.

listing photos and floor plan: Raine & Horne

I pull out all the stops to sell your home.

Lonnie Snyder

REALTOR ®

Keller Williams Realty Southeast Sound

Phone: 206-406-2710

Lonnie Snyder is a full time real estate agent and REALTOR® with Keller Williams Realty specializing in Residential Real Estate for buyers and sellers in Washington's Kent, Renton, Newcastle and South Bellevue.

BUYER: Jude Law and Siena Miller
LOCATION: London, U.K.
(GUIDE) PRICE: £7,950,000
SIZE: 5,092 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the British tabs and international blogs are abuzz and atwitter today with the celebrity real estate news that supermodel mommy Kate Moss is pulling up stakes and moving from her "jinxed" house in London's St. John's Wood to the affluent and star studded Highgate area.

Miss Moss recently (and allegedly) dumped around £7,500,000 for a 7 bedroom house in Highgate. According to Your Mama's currency conversion contraption that comes to $11,646,800 at today's rates. It's expected that along with 8-year old daughter Lila, Miss Moss will be joined in her new crib by Jamie Hince, her rock 'n roller boy-beau of three years.

Even though Miss Moss only purchased her home in St. John's Wood a couple of years ago Your Mama is not the least bit surprised she would want to pack up her Jimmy Choos and hightail it out of there. In May of 2010 Miss Moss's residence was burgled and just a few days later, due to some horrific problem with the plumbing, her basement filled up with raw sewage. Raw sewage, chickadoodles is, in part, untreated human crap. Some reports say that Miss Moss has already listed her St. John's Wood property with a price tag of around £10,000,000, about two million pounds more than she paid for the place in 2007 however, we've yet to find any evidence of the that on the interweb.

The upscale Highgate 'hood has long been a favorite among British celebrities. Current big-name property owners reportedly include virile Oscar nominated actor Clive Owen (Closer, Inside Man, The International) who has a home just around the corner from one of several London residences owned by rock star Sting and his tantric sexing wife Trudy Styler who have been known to let the large house in Highgate to high profile peeps like Pierce Brosnan. A few doors down from Sting and Trudes is homosexual pop music super star/too frequent drunk driver/tea house queen George Michael who some reports say bought his Highgate home from the dee-voon musician Annie Lennox.

A few more doors beyond Georgie-boy are the newest a-list residents of Highgate, 2-time Oscar nominated actor Jude Law (The Talented Mr. Ripley, Cold Mountain, Sherlock Holmes) and his on-again/off-again/on-again ladee-pal Siena Miller (Alfie, Factory Girl). That's right, kids, all signs and reports suggest that the posh pair recently bit the relationship (and real estate) bullet and bought a fancy new house where they can officially shack up in sin.

Mister Law and Miss Miller, former co-stars who started canoodling during the filming of Alfie in 2003–split up in 2005 after it was revealed he was having an affair with the nanny of his children with ex-wife Sadie Frost. While separated they both sowed some wild oats. Miss Miller had an affair with the very married actor and father of four Balthazar Getty and Mister Law fathered his fourth child from brief fling with a model. In late 2009 both Miss Miller and Mister Law were living in New York City while each performed in different Broadway shows. They rekindled their romance while Mister Law was shacked up in a not particularly private rented penthouse apartment near Washington Square Park.

Like many high profile people, both Mister Law and Miss Miller are fickle in regards to their real estate. It was only in March of 2008 when Mister Law convinced his landlord to sell him the 4-story Georgian house he'd been renting in London's luxe Maida Vale neighborhood. It was reported at the time that in addition to the £3,500,000 he spent to purchase the place that he intended to spend another million pounds to renovate and customize the 5 bedroom abode.

In 2007 Miss Miller shelled out £1,200,000 for a quirky 2,095 square foot Victorian house in London on the border of swank St. John's Wood and decidedly not-posh part of Paddington where it's surrounded by council flats. In addition to soaring ceilings, the 2 bedroom and 3 pooper property included a full Turkish bath and sauna on the lower ground floor. Miss Miller listed her house at a loss in June of 2009 for £995,000 and reportedly decamped to a 16th-century thatched cottage she owns near Stroud in rural Gloucestershire.

According to one of Your Mama's informants in London the comely couple recently smacked down something just under eight million pounds for a Grade II listed Georgian style townhouse on one of London's more desirable semi-suburban streets. Listing information kindly provided by London's Larry Letmetellyouathingortwo shows the 5,092 square foot house that Mister Law and Miss Miller (allegedly) purchased was listed with a guide price–that's price tag in Americanese–of £7,950,000 and stands four floors above ground plus a fully finished basement level. Built sometime around 1820, the double fronted house includes 7 bedrooms and a total of 5.5 poopers. Don't any of the children bother to harass Your Mama asking us what a "double fronted" house is because we don't know.

Before continuing Your Mama needs to remind the children that the listing photos shows the day-core of the sellers, which means neither Mister Law or Miss Miller is responsible for the entertaining but disharmonious floral patterned Pascal Knapp cow grazing by the window in the drawing room. (That is a Pascal Knapp sculpture, right?)

A small, walled and gated courtyard at the front of the house leads to the front door that opens into a generously-sized reception hall where a staircase winds dramatically up three floors. Around the front hall orbits a petite study, powder pooper, a bantam but well equipped kitchen with a shockingly puny refrigerator/freezer, and a decent sized drawing room with honey colored hardwood floors, a fireplace and French doors that open to a large terrace that overlooks the backyard. Behind the kitchen a dining/sitting room has a fireplace, hardwood floors, and a wide bank of windows and French doors that, like in the drawing room next door, open to the large terrace at the back of the house.

The lower ground floor–this would be called the basement in America–could easily function as a fully self-contained suite for staff or guests. An entry hall accessible both from the interior of the house and directly from the front courtyard leads to a bedroom with a fireplace on the immediate right a bedroom and to the left a flexible use room that can be put to use as a home office, massage room or an additional bedroom. At the rear of the basement level, a family room with fireplace has French doors that open into a light well with staircase up to the backyard. A second kitchen is open to the family room and a window-free pooper completes the lower ground floor plan.

The elegant and grand staircase leads up from the reception hall to the first floor–which in America we call the second floor–where a master bedroom includes an entire wall of closets, small balcony that overlooks the backyard and a large terliting and bathing facility with double sink set-up, separate shower and a sizable soaking tub. Next to the master another bedroom opens to a terrace and located off the hall are laundry facilities and pooper. Iffin Your Mama were Mister Law or Miss Miller, which of course we are not, we'd combine and convert the entire first floor to a seriously celebrity style suite with custom fitted dressing room, terrace and his and her poopers. Perhaps something like below:

One floor up from the master bedroom three more bedrooms share two bathrooms and the third floor has two more wee rooms that could be used as bedrooms or art studios or a Pilates room or whatever. A 35+ foot long sky-lit playroom that stretches along the entire back side of the top floor could be converted to even more bedrooms or perhaps transformed into a media room a media room where Mister Law and Missus Miller could screen movies for their famous friends and neighbors.

The house has an exceptionally wide backyard with a large square patch of grass surrounded by thick, privacy ensuring foliage. The property, according to listing information, comes with off street parking for 4 automobiles plus a diminutive detached single car garage barely big enough to fit an Audi A4 or whatever sort of car Mister Law and/or Miss Miller might own.

Your Mama wishes Mister Law and Miss Miller all the real estate happiness in the world, but we have a cold suspicion in our dark soul that these two peripatetic and mercurial types–it seems to Your Mama they switch homes and lovers on a whim–may get relationship and/or real estate itchy feet sooner rather than later. We shall see, poodles, we shall see.

Speaking of poodles, y'all must excuse Your Mama because we have to go wring the rain from our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly who have happily been out in the incessant deluge all morning sniffing and pulling up worm snacks.

listing photos: Marcus Parfitt

1.
Shelterpop gave a run down of some of the years biggest real estate losers of 2010. They include, soon to be dee-vorced Scarlett Johansson, that poor Nic Cage, comedian Chris Tucker and many more.

2.
The Real Deal brought us the real estate poop on some professional dribbler with a name we wouldn't not even dare to try to pronounce–Zydrunas Ilgauskas–and his wife Jennifer who have put their Bob and Cortney Novogratz* designed townhouse in New York City's SoHo neighborhood on the rental market for a very uptown price of $37,500 per month.

The Ilgauskas paid $6,950,000 for the 5-floor, 5,000 square foot townhouse in November of 2005. The 5 bedroom and 4 pooper house has a few extra special amenities such as a private and attached single car garage with direct entry, elevator and a 700 square foot roof terrace.

Apparently the 7-plus foot tall hoopster and his family are decamping to Miami to play for whatever professional basketball team is there.

*Reality show watchers will recognize the Novogratz as the baby machines with seven piglets who flip high-end properties in lower Manhattan (and elsewhere) and who appeared on their very own reality program on Bravo called 9 by Design.

3.
Music industry mogul Chris Blackwell used to own an estate down in the Bahamas that, according the the good people at Luxist, attracted globe-trotting celebrities such as Julia Roberts, rock star Keith Richards, model/mommy Kate Moss and volatile supermodel Naomi Campbell.

The estate has been taken over and turned into the über-luxe Pink Sands Resort where 1-bedroom garden cottage starts at $495 per night and rates the 2-bedroom ocean view cottage with private hot tub start at $1,900 per night and go up to $2,650 per night.

There are now 13 exclusive parcels available to purchase from $700,000 to $1,995,000. None of the lots have ocean frontage or, it seems, even ocean views. Owners can opt to use of the of the turnkey plans available through the resort or bring in their own smart architect and nice, gay decorator to do up their Bahamian hideaway.

Owners can keep the house for their own personal use or, if they're interested in off-setting some of the cost of buying and maintaining the property, enroll the residence in the Pink Sands resort rental program.

4.
Britney Spears put up her Christmas lights y'all!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

...Disney's salvia smoking tween queen and cash making machine Miley Cyrus buy a deluxe condo in Panama City on Florida Panhandle, otherwise known as The Redneck Riviera? According to the gossip juggernaut TMZ, she did. The bizzy boys at Celebrity Address Aerial confirm that 18-year old Miss Miley paid a very adult $1,850,000 for a 4,300 square foot, 4 bedroom and 4.5 pooper condo with Gulf of Mexico views in December of 2009.

Seems like Little Miss Miley was on a real estate spending spree because it was just April of 2010, a few short months after she snatched her Redneck Riviera condo, Your Mama discussed the Toluca Lake, CA estate she had purchased for an even more grown up $3,400,000.

Listen up here, Little Miss Miley, because Your Mama is about to give you some free and unsolicited but sage advice. We don't really care that you smoked some salvia. Lowerd knows Your Mama wasn't a stranger to illegal substances when we were 18 years old either. What we do care about is that you're so damn dumb that you'd let someone take video of you sucking on a bong. Seriously, gurl? Then someone puts it up on the YouTube? Bitch, pleeze. You better get a hold of yourself, little ladee, or you're going find yourself all washed up by they time you're old enough to legally imbibe booze. Look at Lindsay Lohan, that poor Tinseltown statistic. It's nice that she's getting sober and all, but that girl wrecked her career and emptied her once full coffers by doing some of the same shit you're doing. Take heed Miss Miley.

Oh, hunnies, we have a tendency to digress today, don't we? Give us a moment as we try to get ourselves back on the celebrity real estate straight and narrow.

We don't know if any of The Children are like Your Mama, but we are riveted–riveted!–by the ongoing saga of Australian journalist and naughty naughty naughty WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. The cool-as-a-cucumber seeming Mister Assange has become internationally famous–and infamous depending on your point of view–for posting reams of classified U.S. documents on the internets. Many of the documents already made public by WikiLieaks include unguarded and sensitive communications between folks like Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton and other geo-political operatives and high ranking diplomats from around the world. The document release has angered and embarrassed the United States government as well as many of its allies and enemies.

While we're certain the U.S. government would love nothing more than to shut Mister Assange and his semi-clandestine secret spilling operation down, it was rather different circumstances that brought Mister Assange into the custody of the British authorities last week. Two Swedish women have alleged that Mister Assange sexually assaulted them while visiting the country in August. Assange denies the allegations, natch, calling them, "tabloid crap." The bean spiller was released on bail yesterday with the assistance of controversial American political activist/documentary filmmaker/professional shit stirrer Michael Moore who put up $20,000 towards the £240,000 bail to help spring Mister Assange from the pokey.

Of course, we are not hear to discuss politics and discuss politics we will not. What interests Your Mama is where Mister Assange will be staying while he awaits proceedings in which Sweden will attempt to extradite him for a trial regarding the alleged sex crimes.

After being released from the jail, Mister Assange hightailed it to the English countryside where the whistle blower is holed up at the private and bucolic spread of friend and well-known free speech supporter Captain Vaughan Smith. Mister Smith founded The Frontline Club, an organization whose purpose is "championing independent journalism."

Mister Smith's family has reportedly occupied the 650 acre estate and the 10 bedroom Georgian style mansion for more than 200 years. Little else seems to be known about the house or property that include sustainable farmlands, fruit and vegetable gardens, a pond, pastures with cows, sheep and pigs, several outbuildings and a tennis court. Perhaps one of The Children knows a little sommum sommum more about Ellingham Hall? Give Your Mama a ringy-dingy iffin you do, okay?

At least one report (that includes excellent photos of the property) suggests that in addition to his host the Captain, while on house arrest Mister Assange may wine and dine with celebrity supporters that include film director Ken Loach, human rights fan Bianca Jagger and heiress turned glamorous human right activist (and ex-ladee friend of actor Hugh Grant) Jemima Khan.

photo: The Sydney Morning Herald

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We recommend y'all snatch up a snack, pour yourself a stiff one–better make that two–and buckle up your safety belts because this is going to be a long and bumpy haul through some of the recent real estate doings at River House, one of New York City's most illustrious, discreet and rarefied co-operative apartment houses.

See, sugar cookies, Your Mama always misses New York City this time of year. We don't miss the bitter cold–the wind child was 14 damn degrees last night–or that angry ladee in the first car of the F-line who gave always us the stink eye. We do miss the kind of magic that only happens in the En-Why-Cee during the holidays. We were downtown people so December was one of the few times of year we would shove ourselves into a crowded subway and haul our fat ass above 23rd Street to see the uptown lights and sights. We'd swing by and ogle the big tree in Rockefeller Center on our way to Tiffany to buy a bangle for Your Mama's momma. We'd shoot a few blocks north to gawp at the precarious looking giant snowflake that dangles prettily over Fifth Avenue at 57th Street during the holiday season. After than we'd cross the street and head up to have a look-see at Linda Fargo's dee-voonly decadent windows at Bergdorf Goodman while we noshed on a greasy bag of hot candied cashews.

Next came a quick spin through the lobby of The Plaza–this was when it was still a hotel and not condos–and maybe, if we'd put on a good pair of shoes, stop in for a drinky-poo at the Oak Bar downstairs. After a quick glimpse of the park and falling prey the stench of those poor horses that pull people around Central Park in covered buggy-things, we'd cross over and around to soak up the genius that Simon Doonan does in the windows at Barney's. Finally, spent, we'd stand there in the ice cold, our bubble jacket coat pulled tightly against our shivering body and know our brief visit to the Rich People and Tourist Zoo was over over over and we'd wish we could twinkle our nose like that ladee on Bewitched and be instantly transported back home in the more familiar environs of lower Manhattan.

Anyhoo, all our nostalgia for New York City led us to a $19,500,000 listing at River House, located on the east side of Midtown and one of New York City's most iconic, storied and gossiped about buildings. As legendary as the building may be, in March of 2010 Dana Rubenstein over at The New York Observer went where no (wo)man dared go before and called the pre-war dowager a "has been" notably fallen from its position at the tippy-top of the city's co-op heap. The fall from real estate grace was precipitated, according to Rubenstein's article, in part by the rise of the super-swank condo (i.e. 15 Central Park West) that don't require approval from a rogue band of high-nosers as well as the slew of wealthy residents who listed an unusually large number of sprawling apartments at River House in 2009 and 2010.

All buildings have turn over but conventional (if convoluted) co-operative wisdom and desire is that at the best buildings turnover should be very slow and–even more importantly– very quiet. In fact, the famously difficult to crack River House board is so reserved that it prefers River House residents, if possible, refrain from listing their apartments on the open market at all. If an owner does list their unit on the open market, it has been widely reported, the board by-laws disallow the listing actually name the building or list the street address, which is 435 East 52nd Street in case y'all didn't know.

The bulky and sober Art Deco style pile was designed by Bottomley, Wagner & White and put up in 1931. At that time, the posh building filled with palatial apartments meant to woo the wealthy out of private (town)homes was virtually surrounded by tenement style buildings, a situation that surely created tension between the working stiffs and the newly arrived swells. The immediate area around River House eventually transformed into an upscale if somewhat isolated enclave bounded by uppity Beekman Place to the south and swank Sutton Place (South) to the north.

The building, located at the cul-de-sac end of East 52nd Street, has two 14-story wings that flank a 26 story tower and overlooks the East River with amazing views of the 59th Street Bridge that connects midtown Manhattan to the borough of Queens. A very rare, private and gated motor court at River House leads to the the main entry of the dour dowager where residents enter through an elegant if old-fashioned lobby with glossy black floors, river views and large cloak rooms where guests can stash their coats before heading upstairs to visit a River House resident.

Before the FDR was built–that's the bizzy bizzy bizzy freeway that runs along the outer edge of Manhattan's east side and hard up against the rear of River House–the fancy pants building boasted a private yacht marina where residents could park their boats. The marina was accessible directly from the building/property without ever having to step onto a public street but the FDR now divides River House from the water's edge and residents must park their boats elsewhere. The building had and still has a 5-floor private club–called the River Club, natch–that reportedly includes its own garden, swimming pool, tennis court, squash courts and dining facilities.

Your Mama, who don't know a fig tree from tomato, happens to agree with Miz Rubenstein's assessment in regards to the decline in River House's position among the relatively small collection of exceedingly elite New York City co-operative buildings. There is no doubt River House was at one time the real estate equivalent of solid gold but this is how we described the current state of affairs at River House in a March 2010 discussion of romance novelist Barbara Taylor Bradford's 15 or 16 room spread:

The relative dearth of services (in the immediate area) might help to explain why River House, once the cream of the co-operative crop in Manhattan, has declined in residential desirability over the last decade or so. There is no question that River House, built in a stunning Art Deco style in the early 1930s, is impressive and by most people’s standards prohibitively and ludicrously expensive. However, Your Mama sees Old Ladee River House like an aristocratic blue blood living in reduced circumstances who still shows up for lunch in an expensive but very old couture suit from Chanel, a pair of scuffed up Ferragamo pumps, and the only emerald choker she hasn’t had to hawk in order to keep the lights on and pay her pinch-faced housekeeper Helen to keep her from seeking employment with a younger and wealthier woman.

We realize that was, perhaps, a wee bit dramatic but given the number of listings for large apartments that have recently failed to sell or sat on the market for a very long time, it's clear that the apartments in Old Ladee River House aren't quite as coveted by uppity rich folks as they once were.

Some of River House's earliest residents included prominent, old-money New York names like Cornelius Vanderbilt Whitney, retail tycoon Marshall Field III, William Rhinelander Stewart, Jr., James A. Burden, Jr., and Huntington Hartford, the entrepreneurial heir to the A&P supermarket fortune and the man who once owned the land that is now the dog walking paradise of Runyon Canyon in Los Angeles. More recent former residents have includes actress/heiress Dina Merrill (her mother was Mrs. E.F. Hutton, dontcha know) who moved out in the late 1990s, former head of Tiffany & Co. Walter Hoving, and Susan and John Gutfruend who decamped from River House for a beast of a doo-plex at seriously swish 834 Fifth Avenue. The Gutfruends, in case you might be interested, put their palatial pied a terre in Paris on the market in the spring of 2010 for an undisclosed asking price.

Current residents of River House, according to city records and previous reports, include a lot of bankers and various financiers such as Jeffrey Leeds who paid $10,000,000 for the apartment of Blackstone Group's Pete Peterson in June of 2008. Financier Sir Evelyn de Rothschild–of the Rothchilds–is said to live with his blond wife in a Michael Smith designed apartment and Henry Kissinger, the ol' political coot, has lived up in River House forever and a day. Also in residence are, according to 2008 political campaign contribution information revealed on the gossip juggernaut Gawker, ad man Peter Georgescu and William McCormick Blair, Jr.–the former ambassador to both Denmark and the Philippines–and his very socially active wife Deeda. The younger set at the decidedly stodgy River House includes, according to prop records, old New York money scion Kiliaen Van Rensselaer and young socials Brook and Ferebe Taube.

There are scads of stories about rich and famous folks who wanted to live up in River House with the hoitiest of New York's toitiest but didn't pass muster and were nixed by the board. Actress Diane Keaton is said to have been turned down in the 1970s because she was a single woman dating Woody Allen. Legend has it that former board president (and former CEO of Coca Cola) Robert Woodruff put the kibosh on a purchase by steely Oscar winning actress Joan Crawford. Miz Crawford, not one to take rejection kindly, allegedly flipped the proverbial bird at the board by having a famous and ginormous Pepsi-Cola sign installed directly across the river from River House in Long Island City where all the residents of the regal apartment house–specifically Mister Woodruff–would be visually assaulted every time they glanced out one of their high-priced windows. Socialite turned denim mogul Gloria Vanderbilt–the mother of CNN's virtually hairless silver fox Anderson Cooper–famously sued the board of River House in 1980 after the board denied her an interview. The scuttlebutt on that bit of real estate scandal is that the publicity eschewing board didn't care for the the unwanted attention Miz Vanderbilt's fame garnered and–probably even worse to all the rich whitey's up in River House–at that time she palled around with the late great African American singer/pianist Bobby Short and dated the great African American photographer Gordon Parks.

Now that we've had a brief and unscientific overview of River House, let's get on back to the apartment that recently grabbed our real estate attentions and set this entire ship to sail. Information available on Streeteasy reveals that the very large but not humongous apartment was first heaved on to the open market in June of 2009 with an asking price of $24,500,000. The 4,806 square foot unit was de-listed in August of 2010 and re-listed a few weeks later with a new and lower price tag of $19,500,000.

The the 13-room river view residence, according to the peeps at Property Shark, is owned by Alexander Navab and his wife Mary Kathryn Norman-Navab. Mister Navab is not likely to be a household name for many, but in the world of high-finance he's quite the bigwig. He currently holds the high paying position of General Partner and co-head of the North American Private Equity Business at the private equity firm Kohlberg Kravis Roberts & Company. Your Mama doesn't not even know what that job title means other than that it makes the man a mountain of money.

The apartments at River House don't compare size-wise to many of the super-sized apartments in New York City such as the gigantic duplexes at 740 Park Avenue and the 18-room prairie-like simplexes at 4 E. 66th Street. They are, none-the-less, quite grand. In the case of Mister Navab's low floor 4 bedroom and 3 pooper pad (shown above), amenities include a small circular foyer, 30-foot long living room with direct river views, 27-foot long formal dining room, three working fireplaces and at least 16 closets. There are also extensive kitchen and staff quarters that include an unusually generous double maid's room with private bath and private sitting room. We don't know if the Navabs have live-in domestic help but Your Mama knows from our imperious house gurl Svetlana that any staff person living up in this apartment is, as she said, "damn lucky" to have not only a large bedroom and private pooper but also an honest to goodness sitting room.

Mister and Missus Navab's large apartment has loads of desirable outdoor space that includes two river front balconies and a south facing (if not terribly private) terrace with an oblique view of the river.

Lest one be under the impression that Mister and Missus Navab are selling due to pressing financial issues, be aware that they own at least two more apartments at River House. Their most recent acquisition was in October of 2009 when they paid $4,900,000 to purchase Robin Chandler Duke's narrow 2 bedroom and 2.5 pooper unit (floor plan above) that has a less than ideal layout that snakes right through the center of the building. The children will now that Miz Chandler Duke's residence–now part of the Navabs property portfolio–has two staff rooms, pooper and laundry facilities located separately from the apartment.

We don't, of course, have an iota of what their plans actually for are Miz Duke's old digs but it's very possible the Navabs will connect and combine it to the river view doo-plex right next door that they snapped up way back in October of 2004 for $6,000,000. Records reveal they bought the apartment from Barbara and Gerald Levin, the former Time Warner bigwig who (in)famously engineered the not entirely successful merger of Time Warner with AOL (now AOL-Time Warner) in 2000.

In addition to their trio–soon, they hope, to be a pair–of apartments at River House, Mister and Missus Navab also own a 3-story house on in Southampton, NY bought in Sept. 2006 for $12,000,000.

Unfortunately for Mister Navab–and probably to the deep chagrin and embarrassment of the building's board–there are a number of other large units available at River House giving the Navab nest some serious competition. Your Mama most recently dealt with River House in April of 2010 when we dissed and discussed the fussy apartment of romance novelist extraordinaire Barbara Taylor Bradford. At that time Miz Taylor Bradford had the apartment listed at $18,995,000. The price tag has been subsequently lowered significantly to $16,900,000. That's a not inconsiderable $2,600,000 less than the current price of the Navab's similarly sized unit.

Even more unfortunate for Mister and Missus Navab than Barbara Taylor Bradford's apartment is that there is yet another very similar unit in the same line listed at $14,900,000 (shown above). That's fully $4,600,000 less the the price currently stuck on the Mister Navab's apartment. Iffin we're being truthful, and we always are, we'd tell The Children that we don't know who owns the apartment but listing information shows the 10 room residence has 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms plus 2 additional rooms and a pooper in the staff wing behind the kitchen.

Deep pocketed and well connected wannabe residents of River House currently have not only the option of three sizable single floor units, there's also a 14-room doo-plex listed at $11,000,000 (shown above). The dated looking 5 bedroom and 5.5 pooper apartment has a staff wing located up a private staircase that includes three additional cell-sized bedrooms that share a single, windowless bathroom. The apartment belongs to a gal named Arlene Farkas who has a fascinating and sordid story of marriage and dee-vorce.

A few other recent listings at River House include the epic doo-plex mansion in the sky owned by former WorldCom CEO Francesco Galesi. The 8 bedroom and 7.5 pooper apartment has 66-feet of river frontage, 11-foot ceilings, 360 degree views and two small staff rooms with shared facilities. Old listing information we dug up on Streeteasy indicates that at least some of the apartment was done up and did over by esteemed and accomplished decorator/designer Robert Couturier, a man quite used to working over grand apartments and homes all over the world. Incidentally and for what it's worth–and it ain't worth a thing–Mister Couturier bought a few things from Your Mama back in the day we had an itty-bitty showroom in Lower Manhattan where we sold expensive household things to rich and famous folks. But we digress. Mister Galesi first tried to sell his giant doo-plex a number of years ago for a guffaw inducing $50,000,000. When that optimistic price didn't work out as hoped, he karate chopped the price down to $35,000,000. That didn't work either, the huge unit is off the market and, as far as Your Mama knows, Mister Galesi remains in residence at River House.

Broadway producer Marty Richards (Chicago, Sweeney Todd) has been on an epic and public struggle to sell his doo-plex maisonette at River House (shown above). First listed ten years ago in 2000, the 14-room residence is now, thank heavens, in contract. Probably the one-time $25,000,000 price tag was part of the problem and one report states that the board at River House has made it particularly difficult for Mister Richards to sell, "In retaliation for the publicity the years-long listing has generated." Common sense would indicate that the board would be a bit more lenient with a potential buyer in order to get the damn thing off the market, but conventional wisdom does not usually apply to the wacky ways of notoriously capricious co-op boards.

Making matters worse for all fancy pants River House residents with ten million dollar plus pads on the market is that there was only one recorded sale in the building in all of 2010, a small third floor apartment that went for $2,635,000. That's way out of the price range of most people, of course, but peanuts in the scheme of hyper-pricey apartments. The previous year, 2009, wasn't much better with just two recorded sales at River House, one traded at $7,100,000 to a prominent attorney and his wife and the other was the above mentioned 2-bedroom unit Mister and Missus Navab bought from well-known high society doyenne Robin Chandler Duke.

The absolute worst for the selling prospects of Mister Navab and the four other sellers of large units currently on the open market is that, to date and again according to Streeteasy, the most expensive recorded sale at River House was, as we mentioned earlie, in February of 2008 when private equity bigwig Jeffrey Leeds paid $10,000,000 for billionaire banker/biznessman Pete Peterson and Sesame Street creator Joan Cooney's 11th floor apartment. The next most expensive sale at River House was all the way back in May of 2005 when big-shit Wall Street attorney Carl Levitt paid $9,950,000 to buy a 13th floor unit. The short of that long is that no single apartment at River House has ever traded for more than $10,000,000, a huge amount to be sure but child's play compared to some of the newer condo buildings such as 15 Central Park West where upwards of 35 apartments were sold for more than $15,000,000 since the newly constructed building opened in 2008. There have been at least 5 sales at 15 CPW that rang up at more than thirty million clams, making River House look like a poor relation.

As super persnickety–and, let's say, restrictive–as the River House board may be, it hardly ranks among the most expensive (or desirable) apartment houses in New York City naymore. The scenario begs the chicken or the egg question of whether the overly snobby board is, in part, responsible for the prices being much lower than the über-swank buildings such as 834 Fifth Avenue where the average (recorded) sale price over the last five years, according to the well worn beads Your Mama's bejeweled abacus, is a mind bending $26,940,750. Compare that, according to our rudimentary mathematics, to the River House average of $5,405,488 over the same time period. Only time will tell if River House will begin to pull in higher prices or if it will continue to slip and slide on down to the long list of b-list buildings. There's nothing necessarily wrong with a b-list building, but we imagine the board at River House does not want to be on that particular list.

Listing photos and floor plan (Navab): Sotheby's International Realty
Listing photos and floor plan (Unknown): Corcoran
Listing photos and floor plan (Farkas): Sotheby's International Realty
Listing photos and floor plan (Richards): Brown Harris Stevens