Dasmarka Real Estate

SELLER: Christina Aguilera
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $13,500,000
SIZE: 10,000 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen chickens, we're going to beat and all but dead real estate horse here and briefly discuss–again–the florid Beverly Hills mansion that increasingly erratic pop star Christina Aguilera and her estranged music executive husband Jordan Bratman recently heaved on to the market with an asking price of $13,500,000. Your Mama yammered on about this topic last week but now there are photographs to accompany the listing and, children, they are a glorious visual indulgence and we thought if you hadn't already seen them that you really should.

Missus and Mister Aguilera purchased their love nest turned house marital horrors in a very good pocket of the eastern flats of Beverly Hills in the summer of '07. They paid $11,500,000 for the 11,571 square foot mansion they bought from Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne who, some of the children surely recall, had the place turned out with a lot of religious hoo-has and doo-dads. Everywhere a person looked there was a damn cross or portrait of an emaciated Jesus hanging on the wall. We would not have been surprised if they had one of the home's many showers done to look like a Catholic confessional. Pleeze. Of course, the ecclesiastical motif went with Mister and Misss Osbourne who themselves moved to the guard gated equestrian community of Hidden Hills, CA where other residents include Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears.

But alas...

The Bev Hills house barely got to breathe a sigh of decorative relief before X-Tina Aguilera unleashed her team of nice gay decorators on the thing. Listing information for the walled, gated and heavily secured Bev Hills lair shows it was built in 1988 and includes 6 bedrooms and 9 poopers including a master suite with fireplace, lounge, his and her custom-fitted closets and dual bathrooms, at least one of which has a fireplace and a free standing soaking tub.

The mock-Med mansion has a large foyer with curving stair, formal living and dining rooms, a study/library and a family room that's open to the gore-may eat-in kitchen. Some of the more celebrity-style amenities include a fitness room, game room, gift-wrapping area, movie room, beauty salon–natch–and a guesthouse worked over into a recording studio.

We're not sure who is responsible for the unrestrained, vibrant and eclectic day-core but iffin Your Mama were asked to sum up the style–and we were not asked to sum up any damn thing at all–we might describe is as a brothel on mushrooms.

At first glance this theatrical cacophony looks like decorative anarchy; And it is, sort of. A closer study reveals a knowing if exceptionally florid hand that drove the bus of this brooding day-core that has a very distinct Tony Duquette maximalism about it. If any of the children do not know who the late great Mister Duquette is we suggest you get on the interweb and get yourself some education on the matter right quick.

The exterior looks like about exactly like a million other mock-Med mansions in Beverly Hills but, hunnies, this house is like slutty damn librarian. Girl looks buttoned up on the outside but inside it's a louche orgy of Moroccan poufs, Rococo foot stools, Islamic end tables inlaid with mother of pearl, intricately-patterned wall coverings, taxi-cab yellow colored Hollywood Regency coffee tables, fringed Victorian lamps, ceiling murals that depict a cloudy sky, oval-backed Louis VI side chairs upholstered in graphic zebra stripes, gilded moldings–natch–and a tufted wing back chair done in gold lamé. Now, children, there is plenty here at Miz Aguilera's house that makes Your Mama cringe. That chair is not one of them. We quite honestly covet that high-glam morsel of furniture delight.

The decorative pandemonium reaches fever pitch in the master bedroom where a canopy bed with a peach-colored tufted headboard and jet-black sheers sits on a lighted platform carpeted in what looks like cotton balls or kitty fur or some sort of material that probably feels wonderful on naked feet but just imagine what murder it must be for the minimum wage chambermaid to vacuum.

The grounds offer off-street parking for seven cars, lush landscaping, a swimming pool with water slide and grotto, built-in barbecue area and a carved wood pagoda-lounge where a giant sectional sofa is covered with a multi-colored and complexly-patterned fracas of decorative pillows.

The pop star's bacchanal abode will only be shown to pre-qualified clients, according to listing information, so any of you over-zealous "fans" who think it might be cute to make an appointment to view the property best be prepared to cough up a note from your money man that states you have adequate funds for to pay for a thirteen and a half million dollar mansion. Okay?

Your Mama hears through the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that Mister Bratman remains in residence in the Beverly Hills while Miz Aguilera has schlepped back to her bacherlorette pad high above the Sunset Strip. The pop stars has had the house on the market for almost three years and the sleek 4 bedroom and 7 bathroom pad remains on the market with an asking price of $5,995,000.

listing photos: Hilton & Hyland