Dasmarka Real Estate

...that one of the "housewives" from the reality show tragicomedy The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has quietly floated her mega-mansion on the market. We first heard the rumor a month or so ago when Your Mama heard it from our gossipy comfrère Beverly Hills, a literary lassie who grew up among the Bentleys and Botox in the hills of Beverly and Bel Air. Miss Hills named names, but otherwise remained mum on the details.

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon when our friend and informant Brenda Blabsitall gave us a ringy-dingy and in the course of our confab snitched that British-born Beverly Hills "housewife" Lisa Vanderpump–a.k.a Pinky–is quietly having her practically Rococo pile up in Beverly Park shopped around to qualified buyers. Your Mama said, "Mmm-hmm. We did hear that, yes. But how much?, gurl?"

Miss Blabsitall hissed into the phone, "Thirty five million is what the real estate ladee told me."

We said, "Pleeze." And then we asked, "Does the price include the hairless homo with the gay porn star figure that lives in the guesthouse and cleans Miz Vanderpump's pool?"

"Absolutely not. She goes where her Golden Goose goes."

Miz Vanderpump–a former sexpot ack-tress with "credits" from 1980s and 1990s programs shows such as Baywatch Nights, Silk Stalkings, and ABC Mantrap–and her gray-maned English huzband Ken Todd made their money in restaurants, nightclubs and the like. They currently own two restaurants in Beverly Hills, SUR and Villa Blanca. In 2004, property records reveal, the Vanderpump-Todds shelled out $14,000,000 for their opulent 15,480 square foot behind the guarded gates of the star-studded Beverly Park community. Records also show they bought the huge house from attorney turned telephone tycoon Sam Delug and his now ex-wife Rosette Delug, a well known character on the L.A. art scene.

Since the property is not "officially" for sale, we've not seen an official listing and therefore Your Mama can't be sure of exactly how many bedrooms are up in her crib and the actual number of bathrooms Miz Vanderpump and Mister Todd's terlit gurl must scrub. However, according to the Los Angeles County tax man, the hulking and bulky mansion sits on 3.29+ flat acres and contains 8 bedrooms and 9 poopers.

Pinky Vanderpump–who despite all the artifice comes across on the show like a genuine and thoughtful person–loves all things pink: blush, rose, rosé, hot, fuchsia, pink, pink, pink. We have it on good authority that she even dyes her damn dog Jiggy pink sometimes. Jesus Mary and Jehosephat, have you kids seen that 42-ounce canine? Your Mama needs an extra-strength nerve pill every time we spot that poor tiny creature Pinky or Mister Pinky always has clutched to their breast. Sad looking thing acts like it's in a coma. Anyhoo, Your Mama suspects that if you cut the woman, she'd bleed a lovely shade of pink.

Naturally, many of the massive rooms of Pinky's mansion are either wholly or partly did up with pink things. Pink things, crystally doo-dads and silver. Lots of silver baubles and bits. Miz Vanderpump, probably as part of her contract with Bravo, recently gave a brief, smoky voiced video tour of her mansion during which we get to see custom made pillows with the home's crest sewn into them strewn across the sofas in the little used formal living room, the swooping main staircase with silver dipped banister, and the wine cellar located through a pair of arched antique doors and down a long staircase with stone walls.

We also get to have a look-see into the couple's 2,500 square foot master suite with its ballroom sized bedroom and sitting area with fireplace. The master bedroom, not surprisingly, is completely bathed in a gauzy blush pink with silver and bejeweled accents. Mercy, celery sticks, Your Mama's mind goes in knots when we try to figure out why men–even not particularly manly men–allow their wives to do up the day-core in the master bedroom in the most excruciatingly emasculating and stereotypically feminine manner. Even more troubling is how and why it is that so many women seem to be so decoratively disregarding of their man-mates when it comes to the day-core in the master bedroom. These men may say they don't care but isn't it perhaps asking too much for a man to get, you know, in the mood up inside a hyper-feminized bedroom? That, puppies, is a puzzler of the sexes we will never solve. We also get to peep and poke around Miz Vanderpump's color coordinated "closet," which is really much more a fully customized boo-teek-like suite of rooms than what regular and even regular rich people think of when they think of a closet. Mister Todd has a custom fitted suite of rooms of his own for his sartorial collections.

The front of the house has some of the thickest and highest hedges in all of Beverly Park and the double gated drive and motor court leads back through a porte cochere to a rear motor court where the garages are located. Formal and meticulously maintained gardens surround the house and the grounds include, natch, an over-sized swimming pool with circular spa, slightly sunken tennis court, fountains, a gazebo, and terrace large enough to comfortably host a large charity event.

Given that Pinky and Mister Todd's children are no longer living at home, it makes sense the empty nesters might want to downsize out of such a humongous house. The ironic real estate truth for people like Pinky and Mister Todd is even if they cut their square footage in half, they'll still live in a sizable mansion. As John Mellencamp sings, "Ain't that America?"